


Sensitivity Training Session Number 147

by Beth H (bethbethbeth)



Category: Multiverse - Fandom
Genre: A Clockwork Orange, Batman - Freeform, Buffy the Vampire Slayer - Freeform, Due South - Freeform, Hard Core Logo - Freeform, Highlander - Freeform, M/M, Smallville - Freeform, Starsky and Hutch - Freeform, The Professeionals, sentinel, x-files
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-09-18
Updated: 2002-09-18
Packaged: 2017-10-09 20:06:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/91080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bethbethbeth/pseuds/Beth%20H
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Even fictional characters sometimes need a bit of therapy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sensitivity Training Session Number 147

**Author's Note:**

> "Because I had nothing particularly sensible to add to an on-going 'writing men as men' blog/lj discussion (although I was following it - in all its twists and turns - with great interest), I thought the following, um, something or other might amuse somebody"

"(_It's the middle of the day in a large, sunny room in an undisclosed American city . . . and a sensitivity training session is taking place. Chairs are arranged in a circle, all but one of which is occupied by a sullen man. All the men are glowering at the group leader._)

Blair: I don't even know what I'm doing here. Did I mention the time I knocked a gunman out with nothing but a vending machine? Might've killed him, too, but I never blinked an eye.

Jim: Yeah, you told us, Sandburg. You told us a dozen times already.

Blair: What? My story isn't tough enough for you, Army Ranger?

Jim: Chief.

Blair: Don't 'Chief' me. You know, Jim, many psychological studies have suggested that weapons are just phallic substitutes. It takes a real man to kill someone without a gun.

Jim: Blair . . . .

Blair: Maybe you're the pussy around here. You ever think of that?

Jim (_looking away from the group and starting to turn red_): Jesus, Blair. Can't you ever just shut up?

Blair (_under his breath_): Asshole.

Fraser: Actually, I'm familiar with those theories, as well, Mr. Sandburg.

Blair: Call me Blair!

(_Jim glares at his partner and then at the Mountie_)

Fraser: I'd be happy to . . . Blair.

Kowalski (_slumps in his chair. Speaks mockingly_): 'I'd be happy to. . . Blair.' Kiss-ass.

Fraser (_turns to the blond man next to him_): Excuse me?

Kowalski: Right, like you didn't hear what I said, Mr. Bat Ears.

(_Voice from a dark, shadowy corner of the room_): I'm sorry. Did someone say something to me?

Group Leader: It's all right, Mr. Wayne. I believe the 'Mr. Bat Ears' the Detective was referring to was Constable Fraser. However, do you think you might be ready to rejoin the group yet?

Bruce: Not as long as he's there.

Dick Grayson (_shaking his head and whispering to the balding man sitting to his right_): Abandonment issues.

Vecchio: Tell me about it.

Fraser: Ray, I don't know why you continue to insist on maintaining I have some sort of abandonment issues related to your departure. I certainly understand the requirements of duty, and . . . .

Vecchio: Yeah? Then explain to me why you took up with El Blondo as soon as I left town. It sure wasn't because you wanted fashion tips.

Rafe/Ryf (_glances at Kowalski, who's wearing jeans and a t-shirt, then looks back at Vecchio_): I've been meaning to tell you how much I like that suit. Armani, isn't it?

Vecchio: Yeah. Good eye. Here, let me give you the name of my guy in the garment district.

Kowalski: Maybe Fraser just thinks I'm attractive.

Vecchio (_snorts_): Riiiight. He wasn't that blind the time we crashed the plane in the woods.

Kowalski: Okay, you want to take it outside? I'm good to go if you are.

Vecchio: I took on Frank Zuko. Don't think I can't kick your skinny Polish ass.

Group Leader: Gentlemen! I thought we were all clear on the ground-rules for these sessions, and the first is that there are to be absolutely no displays of machismo. We're attempting to break free from the social constructs of masculinity here, not reinforce them.

Kowalski and Vecchio (_both men looking shame-faced_): Yes, ma'am.

Group Leader (_nods_): Violence never solved anything.

(_There's a snort from the other end of the circle_)

Group Leader: Mr Doyle? Is there something you or Mr. Bodie would like to share with the group?

Doyle: What you just said. It's bollocks. (_Bodie arches one eyebrow and nods in agreement_)

Young Fair-haired Man: Yeah! Let's see a bit of the old ultra-violence!

Group Leader: Alex, this is the last time I'm going to remind you. You're only here to observe. If you continue to disrupt these sessions, we're going to have to find some alternative treatment.

Alex: Oh no! Not Beethoven again, miss!

Group Leader: I'm afraid so, Alex.

Alex: Sorry, miss.

Group Leader: All right. It appears that we're all doing much better at expressing our thoughts, but I think we still need to work a little on expressing our feelings. I'd like each of you to turn to your partner and share with them a time when you felt hurt by something they did.. Why don't you begin, Mr. Krycek?

Krycek: Oh, come on. Start with someone else.

Group Leader: Now, now, Mr. Krycek. Just start with the phrase "I felt hurt by you when . . . ."

Krycek: Fine. Fox, I felt hurt by you when you cut my arm off.

Mulder: I didn't cut your arm off, you delusional sociopath. And stop calling me Fox.

Group Leader (_sighs_): Perhaps you'd like to give it a try, Mr. Luthor?

Lex: Superman, I felt hurt by you when you knocked me unconscious and made me lose all my  
hair.

Clark: Lex, that wasn't my fault! I explained about the ship a hundred times already. And would you stop calling me Superman? It's not funny anymore.

Lex: If the cape fits.

Duncan: Would you stop picking on the boy, Luthor? He's only fifteen.

Lex (_mutters_): Right. He's fifteen, and I'm the King of Siam

Group Leader: I'm not certain if we're all quite clear about the purposes of this exercise. We want to focus on our emotional pain, not our physical pain. Detective Ellison, why don't you give it a try.

Jim (_glares at Blair_): Fine. You want to know what hurt? When you betrayed my trust in that damned dissertation of yours.

Blair: Hey! I never . . . .

Group Leader: Please let him speak, Mr. Sandburg.

Jim: It was . . . God, Blair. How could you do that to me? Were you planning on keeping it a secret forever? (_He begins to get teary-eyed_)

Duncan (_nods_): That's what I want to know, too (_he turns to Methos_). We were lovers. Don't you think I deserved to know that you were Death? (_Duncan starts to cry_)

Lex (_sniffles_): . . . .that you were an alien?

Skinner (_with red-rimmed eyes_): . . . that you were a double agent working for a shadow conspiracy?

Mulder (_turns to Skinner, horrified_): You were sleeping with Krycek, too?

Skinner (_glances over at Krycek_): Well . . . yeah, Mulder. Everyone was.

Mulder: Even Scully?

Skinner: Even Scully.

Mulder (_weeps_): How could you, Krycek?

(_The soft sound of men weeping and gentle murmurs of comforting words fills the room, when suddenly heartbreaking racking sobs echo from the walls. The men look around, trying unsuccessfully to find the source of the crying_)

Group Leader (_sighs_): Joe? Joe Dick? Is that you?

Joe (_weeping_): Yeah.

Group Leader: Joe . . . please try to remember that you're no longer alive, and so your medical plan no longer covers sensitivity training.

Joe: But . . . but . . . I was mean to Billy!

Group Leader: Yes, dear. But you're still going to have to leave. If you'd like to set up a private session with someone, the late Sean Burns is taking new patients.

Duncan (_sobs_): I suppose you're going to hold that over my head, now.

Methos: Well, you did kill him, MacLeod.

Duncan: Shut up.

Methos: You shut up.

Duncan: You shut up first.

Group Leader: All right. I think this is a good place to stop for the day. Now I have a little homework for each of you to do over the coming week. Just look into the mirror and say . . . .

(_Voice comes from one of two large boxes in the corner_): Um . . . ma'am?

Group Leader: Oh. Right. Everyone except Spike and Angel should look into their mirror and say something positive, so that . . .

(_Knock on the door_)

Group Leader: Come in.

Curly-haired Man: Sorry. Are we early? We were scheduled for the Crying and Expressing Feelings Workshop by our lieutenant.

(_Group leader, consults list_): Ah, Detective Starsky. No, you and your partner were signed up for the Not Crying and Not Expressing Feelings Workshop which starts in twenty minutes. If you could just take a seat in the waiting room, I'll be with you in a moment.

Hutch (_hissing_): See? I told you not to keep calling me 'Babe!' We never get to go to any of the cool workshops.

Starsky: Sorry, Babe.

(_Hutch starts to cry as the two men walk out of the room_)


End file.
